It’s no secret. Sen. John Kerry’s campaign stump speeches are boring. Reporters write about it, late night talk show hosts joke about it, and no doubt Democratic National Party Chairman Terry McAuliffe stews about it.

Here are a few odes to the Kerry stump problem we’ve collected:

“John Kerry has a new 757 jet to use while he campaigns for president... did you see it on the news? This is a really cool plane. In the event that Kerry starts speaking, oxygen masks fall from the ceiling to keep people awake.” – Jay Leno.

“He is a wooden campaigner...” – writes Newsweek’s chief political correspondent Howard Fineman.

“Senator and Presidential candidate John Kerry has been criticized for his cold, wooden demeanor and uninspired message...” -- Adam Nagourney, New York Times.

“Kerry has been tagged a wooden Al Gore clone” – New York Metro Magazine.

“Kerry sits onstage in a row of veterans, several of whom speak on his behalf. My eyes wander across the row and come to rest, with familiar incredulity, on the wooden guy in the white shirt. Of all the guys in this row, can you believe this is the one running for president?” – William Saletan, Slate’s chief political correspondent. [LINK to full article, “The Thin Man” Sept. 2, 2003]

 “Cleland lights up the crowd with zingers, plain talk, and more animation than Kerry can manage with four limbs. While Cleland works his magic, Kerry sits expressionless behind him, squinting and repeatedly touching various parts of his hair to make sure they're in place. They're fine, but Kerry seems terribly anxious that somewhere, somehow, a hair is out of place....” – William Saletan.

“Much of Kerry's problem is superficial. He's as stiff as a GI Joe. He's infatuated with the 1960s. He keeps talking about "our generation" to an electorate that is no longer of his generation. He speaks the language of the Kennedys, which now sounds flowery and phony. He adorns his prose with words like "lavish" and "astonishing." He calls the audience "my fellow Americans." He tells them he's "honored to join you in this endeavor." For the thousandth time, he begins a sentence with the pointless preface, "And I say to you today …" At another point, he proclaims, "Let me put it plainly: If Americans aren't working, America's not working." This is what audiences always have to wade through to get at whatever it is Kerry is trying to say: Nuggets of nothing, wrapped in pretentious rhetoric, compounded by the pretense of plain speaking.” – William Saletan.